


Corporal In Charge

by rosied



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Drunkenness, M/M, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-03 08:56:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6604672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosied/pseuds/rosied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Henry isn't well. Radar doesn't want anyone to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Corporal In Charge

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fawatson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawatson/gifts).



Hawkeye Pierce, tray in hand and trying to ignore what was on it as much as possible, looked around the Mess tent to see whether any of the nurses he was currently pursuing were there. He was distracted from his search by the sight of Radar sitting by himself at a table near the entrance, stabbing viciously at his food with a fork as if trying to kill it. Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. While nothing was impossible as far as Igor's cooking was concerned, the usual problem with the food was that it was too dead rather than not dead enough. He decided to join Radar and try to find out what was bothering the corporal.

“So, the food seems to be putting up a brave fight, but I think you're winning overall,” Hawkeye said as he sat down opposite Radar.

Radar jumped. “Oh, sorry Captain Pierce, I didn't see you coming. I'm just thinking about something, and it's making me a little bit mad.”

“If that's a little bit mad, remind me to stay away from you when you're really mad! So, what's on your mind? Or who is, as the case may be?”

“It's Majors Houlihan and Burns, sir.”

“Of course it is – I don't know why I bothered to ask. They seem to make a hobby of getting people all riled up. I mean sure, everyone should have a hobby, but I wish they'd take up tiddly-winks or something. So, what have they done to you?”

“It's not me, sir, it's Colonel Blake. It's a disgrace the way they treat him! They just barge into his office demanding that he do things and they won't listen to him when he tries to say no. They walk all over him and they don't have any respect for him. And everyone else does the same. He's a good man and a great colonel and it's just not fair!”

“I hate to break it to you, Radar, but nobody round here respects Henry! He's a good man, sure, you're right about that, good surgeon too, but as a colonel... well, I'm afraid he's not very respectable.”

“That's not true, Hawkeye! I respect him!”

Just outside the entrance to the Mess tent, Henry Blake froze, shocked by what he had just overheard. After a moment he turned to walk away, just stopping short of walking into the corpsman who had been following him. 

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“That's OK, sir. You not going to eat?”

“No, I'm not hungry any more.”

“I don't blame you, sir. I wish I wasn't hungry either – it's Igor's Mystery Meat Stew today, and that's one mystery I never want to solve!”

 ----------

Radar had only just finished his meal when the mail arrived. He went round the camp distributing letters and parcels, saving Colonel Blake's mail for the last as he usually did, so the two of them would be able to go through the official stuff at their leisure. Radar always looked forward to the chance to spend time alone with Colonel Blake. The colonel was always friendly to him, treating him like a human being unlike some other senior officers Radar could think of. He knew so many interesting things too. He felt so comfortable round the colonel that he'd kind of developed a knack of knowing what the colonel wanted before he was told. He'd been able to know about choppers before they showed up for a long time, which was why he had the nickname 'Radar', but he'd never been able to do that with a real live person before, and it gave him a warm feeling inside. Colonel Blake sometimes yelled at him a little bit when he silently appeared just before he was called for with the forms the colonel didn't know he was about to want, but Radar thought that secretly he liked it too.

The mail distribution took quite a lot longer than usual, as there had been a backlog caused by a new clerk in the mail office in Seoul. There was so much mail for Colonel Blake that Radar needed both arms to carry it, so he nudged open the office door with his butt, and backed into the room, saying, “Sorry, sir, no disrespect meant, but I couldn't open the door with my hand without putting the mail down, and if I put the mail down and opened the door with my hand I wouldn't be able to pick the mail up again, so...” At this point he'd turned around enough that he could see the colonel. His mouth fell open in shock, and the mail fell to the floor with a crash.

Colonel Blake was slumped in his chair with his head down on the desk. An empty bottle of brandy sat on the desk in front of him – a bottle which Radar knew had been unopened before today. He hurried over to the colonel and shook him. “Colonel Blake, sir, are you all right? Please talk to me, sir, I don't want you to be dead or anything like that.”

Henry raised his head and looked at Radar blearily. “Wassamatter, can't you see I'm busy? Jus' leave me alone.” He looked at the bottle beside him and picked it up, squinting at the lack of contents. “S'funny, that was full a moment ago. That's no good. Gonna go and see Hawkeye and Trapper at the Swamp, they've got vodka!” He stood, swaying, for a moment then collapsed back into the chair.

“You've had enough, sir. We need to get you sobered up so you can run the camp and stuff before anybody sees you like this!”

"Run the camp? That's a joke! It wouldn't make any difference if I was here or not - the camp would run itself and nobody would know or care."

"That's not true, sir! I'd know and care, and I'm sure everybody else would when they couldn't get any requisitions signed for important medical supplies and things!"

"No they wouldn't - I'm sure you've had me sign enough blank pieces of paper to last the rest of the war!"

Radar looked guilty. "It's not that many - it's just for routine stuff that I don't want to interrupt you for if you're in the shower or something. I wouldn't do it for real important stuff, I promise!"

"You don't have to promise me anything Radar, I trust you to look after me, which is more than I can say for anyone else round here - heck, in the whole of Asia!"

"Gee sir, that's a really nice thing to say! Now, you just stay right here, and I'll run across to the Mess and get a pot of nice strong coffee for you. You'll be right as rain in no time... mostly."

"Don't bother, Radar, I'm not going to drink any coffee, I'm just going to get drunker and everyone can ignore me and laugh at me and do whatever they want to do, so there!"

"But if Majors Houlihan or Burns see you they're not going to laugh, they're going to report you to one of Major Houlihan's general friends in Tokyo and then you'll get court-martialled and then you'll have to leave here and I don't want that to happen, Colonel Blake, sir, because you're the only person here that really makes having to be in this war fun! Except I don't think that fun is really what I mean, because wars aren't fun... but please, let me get you some black coffee, sir!" 

Henry smiled slightly but shook his head, immediately looking as if he regretted the motion. "Sorry Radar. I know what you mean - if you hadn't been here, I would probably have cracked a long time ago, but I just can't take this lack of respect any more. Houlihan and Burns can do their worst, I don't care, and I'm going to the Swamp to get some vodka!" He staggered to his feet again, and made for the door, but only got halfway before passing out.

_Oh gosh! What am I going to do? I'm not going to let anybody see him like this, so I can't get him to his tent to sleep it off. Maybe I could ask Hawkeye to help me... no, I can't. He said no-one respects Colonel Blake, and he'd probably tell Trapper and Trapper would play a trick on him and then he'd feel even worse. OK, I'll put him in my cot, and pull the curtain so no-one can see him if they come in. I hope he doesn't snore too loudly. Maybe if I pretend I'm running a temperature and need the fan on the sound will stop people from hearing Colonel Blake if he makes a noise. At least there won't be choppers coming in while we're having a ceasefire while people talk about having talks about having a ceasefire again._

Radar staggered into his room, nearly collapsing under the colonel's weight and deposited the drunken man on his cot. He swung Henry's legs up and said, “There, sir, you just go to sleep. I'll look after everything until you're feeling better.”

The colonel passed out again as soon as his head touched the pillow. Radar covered him carefully with a blanket, looked at him for a moment, then picked up his teddy bear and put it under the blanket with Colonel Blake. Henry muttered something, then cuddled the bear close with a smile on his face.

Radar smiled too. “Sleep well, sir,” he said. He grabbed a thermal undershirt, then went into his office to switch the fan on and keep the world at bay and the camp running.

Unsurprisingly, the first visit was from Major Houlihan, who went barging straight past Radar's desk into the Colonel's office as usual, saying, "Henry, I can't believe you've allowed the medical supplies to get so low again! Here's a list... Corporal, where is Colonel Blake? He's never around when he's needed!"

"Um, Colonel Blake just gave me a list of supplies I need to order urgently, Major Houlihan, and I was just about to get on the phone to Seoul. Can I see your list please, ma'am, just to make sure there's nothing missing from Colonel Blake's list."

The major looked at Radar with an expression of disbelief, but gave him her list. Radar read down the list, telling her after each item that it was in the colonel's list as well. "Yes, everything here is on Colonel Blake's list, too, so if you'll excuse me, ma'am, I'll call Seoul straight away."

"Well, it makes a nice change to see Henry on the ball for once. I'm quite impressed! I just hope he keeps it up."

She left the office, and Radar got out a sheet of signed blank paper and put it in the typewriter to copy Major Houlihan's list, but suddenly remembered his promise to Colonel Blake. _Oh no! These supplies are important so I can't use this! What am I going to do?_ He got on the phone to Sparky. “Hey, Sparky, I need a favor! We need some supplies urgently, but Colonel Blake can't sign the requisition today because he's sprained both his arms and he's got a doctor's note that says he can't use them today... no, I don't know which doctor, you know how they are, I can't read the signature. Heck, I wouldn't be able to read the note if I didn't know what it said... no, I don't know how he did it... thanks, Sparky, I owe you, and I promise I'll get the signed requisition to you tomorrow! Let me give you the list...”

After an exhausting afternoon and evening spent fending off enquiries for Colonel Blake by telling people that he had gone to see other people to fix their problems and everything was being taken care of, Radar turned off the fan gratefully and relaxed in Colonel Blake's comfortable chair to warm up. Suddenly he leapt to his feet again as he remembered the one thing he had forgotten.  _What am I going to do about Lieutenant Scorch? She's expecting to visit Colonel Blake tonight so he can tell her about some new flies he found on his last leave in Tokyo. I wish she didn't hang around him so much. It's good that they both like fishing, everyone needs some company like I have my rabbit and my teddy bear even if everybody laughs at me about it... it's just that if he wasn't with her so much he might be with me more though it wouldn't be the same... I suppose. But Colonel Blake likes her, so I'll do my best to like her too. I know, I'll tell her that he's waiting for a call from someone important in Tokyo and he can't leave the office till he gets it._  Radar checked on the colonel and found him sleeping peacefully, with the teddy bear still clutched to his chest.  _If I hurry I can get to Lieutenant Scorch's tent and back without anyone coming to look for him - there shouldn't be anyone at this time, they'll all be in Rosie's or the Officer's Club._

He ran quickly over to the Lieutenant's tent and told her the story he'd come up with... "...so you see, Lieutenant, General Hammond says he has to speak to Colonel Blake because it's very important and he values the colonel's opinion, and please excuse me because I have to get back to the office, so that I can pick up the phone as soon as it rings."

"Well, it's about time the higher-ups started to appreciate Henry properly! Thank you for giving me the message. You look after Henry so well. He talks about you all the time, you know - he's always telling me how much he appreciates you, and I can see why!"

"Gee, thank you Lieutenant, that's very good to know!" Radar hurried back to the office with a big smile on his face; all of a sudden finding it very easy to like the lieutenant.

That night he slept in as best he could on the floor by his cot, in case the colonel should wake up and need anything, but he slept like a log all night. The following morning he woke Colonel Blake gently with a big mug of strong black coffee and a large dose of aspirin at the ready.

The colonel groaned as the light hit his eyes. "What happened? Where am I? Who hit me with a sledgehammer and why are they still jumping up and down on my head? Make them stop!"

"Er, you were feeling a bit under the weather yesterday, so I put you to bed in my cot so you could sleep it off. Here, sir I've brought you some black coffee and some aspirin - they'll make you feel better!"

Henry gulped the aspirin down with the coffee, looking rather puzzled. After a while he said, "That's funny - the last thing I remember is you saying that to me, Radar, and I didn't want it because... because I heard Hawkeye Pierce saying no-one respects me and I came back here to drown my sorrows."

"You did a very good job of it too, sir."

"Yeah, so my hangover is telling me. How long have I been out, Radar?”

“Yesterday afternoon and evening and all night, sir, but don't worry, everything went smoothly and no-one knows you weren't feeling well.”

“So it looks like I was right – I'm not necessary round here at all. You ran everything fine without me!”

“Sir, that's not true! I only knew how to do it because I've seen you do it!”

Henry sighed, and patted Radar's arm. “You're a good man, Radar – I don't know what I'd do without you. I only wish...” He broke off.

“Sir?”

"Never mind, Radar, let's go mind the store!”

"Yes, sir. I need to tell you what you did after I put you to bed yesterday, you were very busy..." 

 


End file.
